So it’s clearly been a long time since I wrote anything on my blog and I decided this morning when I was thinking about writing another I was going to be completely honest.
So here goes...
The ugly truth
I felt like a complete fraud, I had spent the last year talking about all these amazing goals I had, working relentlessly towards them and whilst I achieved them, once they were gone I hit this wall. Like a huge wall I could not penetrate.
I started prep in December for my next show meant to be in March and after a few weeks I realised that I had completely lost touch with why I was even doing it, it had become all about how I look and how much my self worth had become attached to my reflection. On Boxing Day I walked into the gym and did 2 exercises and cried, cried because in that moment I knew I could not keep going, not physically but mentally.
I have never had a bad relationship with food before but I knew one hundred percent I was on the road to giving myself some serious issues, so despite feeling like I was a quitter I decided to pull the pin.
Reflecting it was the best decision I could have made for myself and I don’t regret it. I spent the next two months trying to find my passion for health and fitness again and let me tell you it was freaking hard. I no longer had a deadline, there was no longer the goal so I dragged my feet a lot. I resented the gym and I hated the way my body looked despite it not having changed all that much. What I saw in the mirror was completely warped by this image in my head.
January rolled around then February and I had a BA which I had been wanting for ever and was unable to exercise for a few weeks which obviously led me to feel pretty depressed because despite hating exercising the endorphins it gave me still made me feel good.
I was so scared at getting “fat” that I started panicking about what I was eating again.
Four weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my whole world completely changed.
Whilst I was so happy about starting a family I was still so caught up in my body image that I began getting really anxious about how much pregnancy was going to change my body.
I kept focusing on how much weight I was going to put on, how many things I wouldn’t be able to do. I really beat myself up about it, every time a piece of clothing started to get tight I berated myself, every training session I skipped because I was throwing up or exhausted was just another thing I used to tell myself I was just going backwards and I would never be fit or like my reflection again.
It didn’t matter what anyone told me, my mind had gone to a really bad place and all I saw were the negatives.. but as time went on I started to try and find one small thing a day to be grateful for and it was hard.
I felt so bad about not loving being pregnant, when I saw all these other women talking about how much they loved it and how amazing it was despite all the things your body goes through. Then there’s me over here just wishing it was over.
So great I was already the words worst mother, alongside being a crazy bitch who just wanted to be able to lose weight and feel good again.
I wouldn’t say things are perfect yet, or even better because I still regularly look at the extra cellulite and the increased size of my ass and legs and internally cringe but now that I am six weeks away from meeting my little mini I have come to realise that whilst these things still bother me and they probably always will, I need to learn how to accept what I can’t change and focus on what I can.
Logically I have known all along being pregnant isn’t the time to fixate on being skinny and lean, but about healthy and I am disappointed I lost sight of that.
But in the last month I have slowly made that my focus, to move my body because it’s good for me not because I feel guilty and not because I hate it. But because it deserves it, to be reminded of what it’s capable of doing and how good it can feel even whilst growing a human.
So for anyone out there struggling with your reflection you aren’t alone, your feelings are valid and any moment can be the moment you decide to think kinder thoughts about yourself 🙏🏽